As consultants, we usually get hired for our expertise. However, the companies we work with often do not immediately listen to our every word.
In the early days of my consulting career, this surprised me. I was hired to help after all, wasn't I? So why is it so hard to get listened to? Turns out, people are hesitant to extend their trust to us. Especially in the early days of a project. This is not only the case for us in the software industry, but any time we, as humans, meet and interact with new people. The good news is that there are several things in our control we can use to overcome the gap of trust we face! The way we express our thoughts and ideas and how we present ourselves to the respective partner we have in the conversation. As well as how engaged we are in the conversation itself all play a part in the overall effectiveness of our communication.
While all of these aspects are important, this article is going to talk more about the listening aspect of it all. As listening is often an undervalued part when communicating. Instead of thinking about what we want to say while the other person is talking, we need to really pay attention to them.
There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
A crucial aspect when communicating is listening—actually listening. A very simple idea, but not always easy and often not the first thing that comes to mind.
I like to distinguish between two different “modes” of listening: reflective and active. Roughly speaking, reflective listening acts internally, whereas active listening acts externally. They're not separate in an “either… or…” kind of way, but are more feeding into each other.
In order to fully understand the person we're talking to, we have to be fully present in the moment and open to change our minds.
When I said reflective listening acts internally, I meant that it’s about how we process and engage with what’s being said before formulating a response. Instead of listening with the intent to reply, we focus on truly understanding the speaker’s perspective. It conveys the sense of being open, attentive, and willing to absorb information without judgment or preconceived notions.
Reflective listening conveys a sense of openness, attentiveness, and a willingness to absorb information without judgment or preconceived notions. It involves being fully present in the moment, setting aside assumptions, and being open to changing our minds if needed.
By practicing reflective listening, we create an environment where people feel safe to share their thoughts, fostering deeper connections and more meaningful conversations
Active listening essentially boils down to the following steps when communicating with someone:
The point about “Repeat What They Said” is a really powerful tool to increase respect and together with it trust.
Paraphrasing is an important, but often forgotten, listening skill. It about listening to what has been said, understanding and rewording what we have understood and then sharing our interpretation and insight with the other person. It’s not enough to just let the other person say something, we must make an effort to have them feel welcomed and respected. When they open up and share their views or concerns, they want to know if these have been received well.
There’s a saying “listen to understand, not to reply.” But what does that really mean?
First and foremost it means the primary focus for us, when listening, should be to understand the other person’s point. Maybe they want our input or feedback on it, maybe they won’t. If we immediately assume to solve their problem, we risk that the person we're talking to feels ignored. Unless they're specifically asking for advice, we shouldn’t give it. Some people really just want to be heard; they don’t want us to try to fix things. And just letting someone vent for a while can be an incredible opportunity to build connection, too!